TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
