one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
