I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
