In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
