Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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