I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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