what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
