please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
