mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
