At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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