It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
