Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
