am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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