i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
