i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
