i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
