You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The power of my boobs compel you
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
