I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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