You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
