I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just gift wrapped bread.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
