He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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