Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
