im about as happy as oj after his trial
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm bleeding and have questions
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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