This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
