Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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