I'm laying in your front yard are you home
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
