im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
