Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
