I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
