I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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