Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
