remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
No stitches, just platelets and will power
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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