I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
