Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
