Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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