ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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