I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
