If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
