Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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