It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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