Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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