I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
