Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
