Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
