I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
