How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
