I murdered the dance floor call the cops
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
