She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
