batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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