her vagine was all disorganized.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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